


Coping

by loopunderground



Category: DRAMAtical Murder (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Consensual Sex, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-31 13:08:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20115601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loopunderground/pseuds/loopunderground
Summary: Eventually he fell back asleep, Aoba in his arms where he should be, presuming that was the end of it and that everything was fine.OR: Aoba struggles with the aftermath of certain events and tries to hide it from Noiz. When the truth comes out Noiz helps him through it. (NOTE: The explicit rating is for a consensual sex scene, all non-con is implied and NOT described.)





	Coping

**Author's Note:**

> I will be forever angry about what happens to Aoba in-game and how it is just... Never brought up again after the fact. So this is an exploration on how Aoba deals with his trauma, based heavily on my own experience.
> 
> As stated in the summary the explicit rating is for a consensual sex scene between Noiz and Aoba. I do not describe the rape, only reference that it has happened. However this fic focuses heavily on unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with trauma and therefore is still potentially extremely triggering for rape/assault survivors so please take care of yourselves and if you think this fic will trigger you in any way, I urge you not to read it. 
> 
> ADDITIONAL WARNINGS: 
> 
> \- Aoba experiences hypersexuality due to his trauma, which leads to a consensual sex scene, but this may be triggering for survivors who experience this.
> 
> -Aoba has several panic attacks throughout this fic, which are described in some detail.
> 
> -Aoba also uses alcohol to cope at one point during this fic, which leads to him throwing up.
> 
> Whilst this fic does deal with a serious trauma it does have a happy ending! Let me know if I missed any warnings and without further ado, here is the fic!

Before Aoba became a part of his life, Noiz’s relationship with sleep had been tenuous at best. When he’d moved to Midorijima he tended to only sleep when exhaustion overcame him and he eventually passed out, and before that- Well. Being locked in  _ that  _ room had meant he’d jumped at the slightest noise at the door, hoping it was his parents ready to let him out. 

It never was. 

These days however, Noiz slept rather well, a routine greatly improved by the fact he had someone to cling to at night (not that he’d admit to clinging of course, but when he woke in the morning it was always with his limbs tangled with Aoba’s, like some sort of bizarre jigsaw puzzle). It felt safe having Aoba there with him, someone warm and soft who promised they wouldn’t leave him. Sleep had become less of an irritating necessity, and more of an event he looked forward to. So it was safe to say that aside from the occasional bad dream, Noiz slept much better than he used to in his life. 

It was a surprise then, when one night he found himself stirring in the early hours of the morning for seemingly no reason at all. He was barely aware, eyes not even open yet, but tendrils of his previous sleep pulled gently at his senses, luring him back to rest. There was no reason for him to resist and so he reached out to his usual comfort source, wanting to make sure he was curled around Aoba before he fell into a slumber once more. When his hand was met with cool sheets instead of a warm body, curiosity forced him to begrudgingly open his eyes and look blearily around the room. Aoba, instead of being laid next to him as usual, was hunched over at the end of the bed. He sat with his knees tucked under his chin, arms wrapped around himself whilst staring blankly at the wall ahead, as far as Noiz could tell in the minimal light that the night sky lent through the large bedroom windows. It was certainly an odd sight to say the least. Noiz shuffled out of the covers to crawl down the bed to Aoba, the sound of which didn’t seem to alert him, but the hand Noiz reached out to touch his shoulder did. Aoba started slightly, and looked panicked for a brief moment before he noticed who it was and he relaxed a little. Not enough to look completely at ease though.  _ He looks haunted _ , Noiz thought,  _ like he’s in a trance _ . 

“Aoba..?” He murmured, his voice quiet and thick with sleep. For a few moments Aoba said nothing, continuing to stare at the wall straight in front of them, before he let out a small sigh and disentangled himself, shuffling over so he could curl up against Noiz - something the latter found strange; Aoba wasn’t usually the one to initiate contact. He really must have been tired. “Aoba?” He tried again as concern started to simmer within him. As he waited for a response he maneuvered them so they were back under the sheets, carefully bringing a hand up to stroke Aoba’s hair once they were settled (recently Aoba had decided he trusted Noiz enough to let him touch it, and Noiz had to use all of his willpower to hide just how thrilled that had made him). The hand running through his hair made Aoba sigh again and nuzzle himself against Noiz’s neck. “M’fine,” He whispered against his skin, “bad dream. Go back to sleep.” Huh. Out of the two of them it was rarely Aoba who had bad dreams. Still, despite his worry, Aoba seemed relatively okay - no signs of crying and it wasn’t as though he was having a panic attack. Noiz shrugged it off - these things happened, bad dreams come every now and again. Eventually he fell back asleep, Aoba in his arms where he should be, presuming that was the end of it and that everything was fine.

* * *

It was not fine. The next morning when Noiz was woken by his alarm, Aoba was once again absent from their bed. Noiz had planned to ah,  _ indulge  _ him a little to help distract him from last nights dream but apparently no dice.  _ Oh well _ . The bathroom was still warm with condensation when Noiz arose and went for his morning shower, so Aoba couldn’t have been up that long. Still, given the events of last night he was probably going to be sleepy today, a thought that made Noiz smirk as he rubbed shampoo into his hair; sleepy Aoba was always so cute, especially when he would whine and scrunch his nose up in protest to something. And when he was sleepy he would let Noiz tease him about it, a cute frown on his face instead of his usual loud proclamations, and Noiz would eventually let up and kiss him as recompense. Needless to say sleepy Aoba was a favourite of Noiz’s. 

Once he’d finished in the shower, he changed into one of his work suits and headed into the open living area, where Aoba was laid curled up on the sofa in some oversized clothes, his hair still slightly damp from his own shower. Whilst he looked as cute as Noiz predicted (something about Aoba swaddled in fabric was just incredibly appealing), he also looked completely exhausted. Noiz lent over the back of the sofa to press a kiss to Aoba’s cheek, followed by a quiet “ _ Guten morgen _ ”. The only response he received was a mumble and Aoba shifting away slightly. Poor thing. 

“Go back to bed. You’re tired.”

“Mhm.”

“Do you want me to call you during lunch or will you be asleep?”

Aoba made some kind of noise in reply, but it wasn’t clear whether it was a confirmation or not. Oh well, Noiz would call and if Aoba didn’t pick up then presumably he’d be napping. Whatever. Noiz gently ran his fingers through Aoba’s hair and pressed a final kiss to the top of his head before leaving for work.

* * *

The morning at the office passed as usual, which was to say it was incredibly boring. Being a respectable businessman, as it turned out, was unbelievably dull. Before he’d returned to Midorijima to ask Aoba to join him here in Germany, he’d tried his hand at being a member of HR department in his family’s company. Much to the surprise of no one, he was awful at it, and it took a lot of long, painful discussions with his parents to try to move him to a different department rather than just outright give up and fire him. Theo was the one to suggest putting him in charge of cyber security and Noiz couldn’t thank him enough for that. He still had to wear a suit and go to an office, but it was better than before and at least it was using his skillset. But Noiz was good at what he did which meant there wasn’t much in the way to do for cyber security most days, hence why his days passed so slowly. Since the morning was dragging so much, his thoughts kept straying to Aoba and wondering if he was okay. It was a relief when his lunch break finally rolled around and he actually had the chance to check in on him. He called him on his coil and waited for him to pick up. It kept ringing, eventually it went to voicemail and Noiz hung up without leaving a message. It was a little disappointing, if he was being entirely honest; he’d been looking forward to hearing Aoba’s voice, finding out what he’d done with his morning so far - usually it was an update on his studying, since Aoba had started learning German. He was getting a lot better at it these days, and Noiz was very proud of him for it (he liked to  _ reward  _ Aoba when he’d done particularly well). Noiz supposed it was his fault somewhat, since he  _ had  _ told Aoba to go back to bed. It would just make coming home that evening even nicer, he reasoned, in a vague attempt to cheer himself up. Coming home to Aoba was always wonderful of course, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Or something like that anyway, Noiz wasn’t entirely sure. 

The day hadn’t become any more interesting after his lunch break so it was a relief to finally leave the office and start the journey back home. The train ride was uneventful, Noiz’s thoughts occupied with what to do that evening. Maybe they could go out for dinner tonight? It had been a while, it could be a nice treat for them both. He tsked at himself briefly, becoming very self-aware of how domestic he was getting these days. The Noiz of a year ago would be disgusted, probably. But things had ultimately changed for the better, even if he’d started to become significantly sappier than he used to be.

Eventually he made it home to the apartment, calling out to Aoba as he stepped through the front door and took his shoes off. He was met with silence which made a spike of worry prick in Noiz’s chest. Surely Aoba wasn't sleeping still? He moved further into the flat and suddenly stopped in his tracks as he saw Aoba. His boyfriend was stood by the large french windows that looked out onto the street below, clad in only his boxers and one of Noiz’s t-shirts. The shirt was too big for him, the neckline draping to leave his shoulder exposed in a tempting and unfairly obscene display. The heat that suddenly shot through Noiz as he took in the sight almost knocked him over - this made all the more intense by the look in Aoba’s eyes as he finally turned to acknowledge his boyfriend, shifting away from the windows and walking towards him with a clear intent. Noiz barely had time to get out his name before Aoba was kissing him, grabbing onto the lapels of Noiz’s suit jacket and melding himself against him. All train of thought left his head immediately as he kissed back, grabbing hard at Aoba’s hips. “Missed you…” Aoba whined softly, breaking their kiss to push Noiz’s jacket off his shoulders. The moment it dropped to the floor Noiz growled and kissed him again, harder, his hands sliding up under Aoba’s shirt, before he let his nails drag slowly and teasingly down his back.  _ Well _ , he thought, as Aoba gasped and arched towards him,  _ he’s certainly feeling better.  _ Aoba moaned into his mouth and let Noiz walk him backwards until they were pressed against the kitchen island, their bodies flush together. His head fell back as Noiz trailed his kisses south, sucking bruises into his neck, letting his teeth scrape against the skin teasingly. “More.” Aoba whispered, breathless, his fingers grabbing onto Noiz’s hair desperately and tugging  _ hard _ . The result was immediate: Noiz groaned into Aoba’s shoulder, his hips snapping forward unthinkingly. 

A small part of his brain, a small insistent part, was telling him that Aoba never liked it this rough, never at the start, never acted like this of his own accord, always had to be gently eased into these things. But Aoba was suddenly pushing Noiz away from the counter and towards their bedroom and that small part of his brain was drowned out by  _ more, Aoba, yes baby _ . The door had barely shut behind them before Aoba was on the bed with Noiz crawling over him, pressing him into the sheets. They kissed again, open-mouthed and lewd, with Aoba’s needy moans and Noiz’s grunts slowly filling the room as they began to lose themselves in each other. Noiz was trying his hardest to treasure the moment, to slow down a little and not rush things, but Aoba was so desperate today, so needy, that Noiz could barely contain himself. He looked so fucking  _ good  _ like this, his beautiful legs on display, wearing Noiz’s shirt, with his neck mottled with love bites. He was beautiful, he was perfect,  _ mine mine mine _ , the sight of him bringing Noiz already close to the edge. He pushed Aoba’s shirt up to his armpits, not quite ready to remove it yet, and trailed his tongue over Aoba’s nipples, grinning at the gasps that followed. Aoba was hotter than usual, burning so much brighter, and Noiz was so ready to be scorched by him. As though suddenly realising how much Noiz was still wearing, Aoba lurched upwards and shifted them so that he was sitting comfortably in his boyfriend’s lap. “Baby…” Noiz groaned as his lover made quick work of the buttons on his shirt, desperately pulling it off him. “Needed you,” Aoba whispered as he rocked his hips forward, “thought about you all day. I need you Noiz, please, please I want you inside me…” He punctuated his plea with a particularly messy hip roll. Aoba was clinging to him, writhing in his lap and Noiz didn’t think he’d ever been more hard in his life. Noiz gently pushed two fingers into boyfriend’s mouth, humming pleasantly when Aoba eagerly wrapped his tongue around them. “That’s it…” Noiz breathed, eyes low and dark as he watched Aoba closely. “So needy for me today  _ schatz _ , look at you begging me so nicely… Let me hear you say it one more time.” He removed his fingers from Aoba’s mouth, who took a deep breath after and pawed gently at Noiz’s chest. “What do you need baby?”

“Please...” Aoba whined, resting their foreheads together, arms sliding around his neck. “Please fuck me.” Who was Noiz to deny such a request? From such a pretty face? He lifted Aoba’s thighs and flipped them both, dropping Aoba back onto the bed. Noiz was still determined to not rush this, but it was about time that the remainder of their clothes came off. As much as it pained him he removed Aoba’s shirt and threw it carelessly to one side, whilst Aoba eagerly reached for Noiz’s belt and undid it, his cheeks flushed red. “Take yours off too  _ schatz _ ,” Noiz whispered, pulling his trousers and pants down and kicking them elsewhere in the room. Aoba complied, taking a moment to be a tease as he slowly slid his boxers down his legs before letting them fall off the side of the bed. The moment the fabric hit the floor Noiz was on him, kissing him, running his hands all over his sides. He could have devoured him whole with how insatiable he felt. “How do you want this…?” Noiz asked, pressing hot kisses down Aoba’s chest. Aoba started to reply but his answer was cut off as he moaned whilst Noiz sucked a red mark against his hip-bone. Most of the time that received him some sort of chiding but Aoba just tangled his fingers into Noiz’s hair again and whimpered. If he kept up like this Noiz was sure he was going to pass out or have a heart attack. “Front or back baby?” Noiz tried again, actually giving Aoba a chance to reply this time. Aoba just gasped and pulled Noiz back up so he could kiss him properly, moaning into his mouth. “Like this…” He murmured, only barely pulling away from his mouth, “Need to see you.”

Noiz could work with that. Aoba was rarely this desperate to get fucked and Noiz was going to cherish every second of it. He leant over to grab the lube from their bedside table, Aoba whining the whole time. “Shhh, I’ve got you.” Noiz soothed, opening the cap and pouring some on his fingers. Aoba looked at him coyly as he spread his legs and Noiz was pretty sure he had a small heart attack. But that was nothing compared to when he pressed a finger to Aoba’s entrance to find it already wet. He looked up at Aoba’s face in confusion, only to find him biting his lip, eyes dark. “Wanted to be ready for you.” He whispered, and it took all of Noiz’s willpower to not come there and then. Instead he went in for another filthy kiss, swallowing Aoba’s whimpers as he let a finger slide inside him. “Fucking hell…” Noiz groaned into his mouth, slowly adding another, “ _ Du bist so fucking heiß… _ ” 

Aoba moaned in response, head falling back as he let Noiz fuck him with his fingers. His hands frantically grasped at the sheets beneath him and Noiz just wanted to drink up the image, so needy and desperate and whiny, he was art when he was like this. If he wasn’t busy stealing those beautiful noises from Aoba’s mouth he’d consider taking a photo so he could have this moment forever. But alas, there were more pressing issues at hand, namely how fucking hard he was and how he needed to do something about it. 

“ _ Bist du bereit für mich?” _

“ _ Bitte… _ ”

Noiz was going to fuck him within an inch of his life. He wasted no time in lubing himself up, hands trembling slightly with a mix of adrenaline and eagerness. He pressed into Aoba slowly at first, inch by inch, making sure that Aoba was okay - which he most certainly was, given by the way he cried out once Noiz had slid all the way in. His eyes were squeezed shut and Noiz waited for him to open them again before he started fucking him in earnest. Aoba was practically sobbing, thrashing around briefly before he wrapped his arms around Noiz’s neck and dragged him down for a hot and messy kiss. Noiz pressed him down into the bed as he fucked him, the drag of his cock inside Aoba making him near dizzy with how good it felt. He was sure he’d never been this turned on before in his life (except maybe when Aoba rode him in the hospital that first time, but that was a special occasion). In between cries, he felt Aoba mouth at his neck, tongue darting out to lick up and down the column of his boyfriend’s throat. To stay this close to him Noiz had to lean heavily on his forearms, which regrettably meant he couldn’t reach down to grip Aoba’s cock, so to make up for it he pushed him further down into the sheets so that his cock could find friction between their stomachs.

“Noiz…” Aoba gasped as Noiz slowed down for a moment, fucking him slow, deep and teasing.

“You like that?”

“Ah-! There!”

Noiz smirked, taking a moment to appreciate the sight in front of him: Aoba’s cheeks a glowing pink, his mouth open and eyes fluttering as Noiz rocked into him. He was fucking perfect. Eventualy Noiz took mercy on him and started fucking him hard and fast again, grunting when Aoba’s nails dug sharply into his back and  _ dragged _ . Aoba’s moans started to get higher and Noiz knew he was close to the edge.

“_Wirst du für mich kommen_ Aoba?”

“Ah! Noi-!”

Aoba’s grip on him tightened as he came, his leg’s tightening against Noiz’s hips. Noiz fucked him through it, the spent look on Aoba’s face helping him reach his own release. He thrust a few more times before he came, burying his head in Aoba’s neck as he rode it out, falling into a state of absolute bliss. It took a few moments to come back to himself, gain enough strength back to move properly. He gave Aoba a sweet kiss as he pulled out, falling beside him. That had certainly been more intense than usual, Noiz felt as though his world had been shifted off its axis. Judging by Aoba’s silence, a contrast to his moaning previously, he was also feeling similarly. But the silence was broken not long after by Noiz’s stomach growling and alerting him to the fact that it fairly late and they hadn’t had dinner yet, since Aoba had pounced on him the moment he came through the door. With a groan he stood up and stretched, looking back to Aoba who hadn’t moved yet. He almost looked like he was in a trance like the night before, but Noiz put it down to him being completely fucked out. “M’gonna make dinner,” Noiz said as he pulled some casual clothes from their wardrobe and began to get dressed again, “what do you want?” 

“Anything...” Aoba said quietly, not even looking at him. Hm. Definitely fucked out. Noiz just shrugged and pulled a t-shirt on before leaving their room and heading into the kitchen. He could see Ren curled up on the sofa in sleep mode. Thank god Aoba had had the hindsight, it would not have been the first time they’d had Ren thought something was wrong and burst into the room whilst they were having sex. His own cubes lay nestled around the dog. Ha. Cute.

As Noiz went about making dinner (which he could do now, being alone for the three months before he brought Aoba back with him forced him to realise cooking was probably a useful skill to have) he heard the sound of the ensuite shower turn on. Which was fair enough, he resigned himself to getting one after they’d had dinner. But a few minutes later he was sure that there was some other sound coming from inside. Putting down the vegetables he was chopping, he crept over to the door and it suddenly became clear that he could hear crying. It wasn’t particularly loud, but enough to worry him immediately “Aoba?” He called out, reaching to grab the door handle. The crying stopped the moment he spoke. 

“Yes?” Came the shaky reply from inside. 

“Is everything okay?”

“Mm, yes, I just got something in my eye.”

“Oh. Sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Shrugging, Noiz went back to resuming dinner. He didn’t stop to think about it any further, and when Aoba finally finished in the shower and came into the living room he seemed okay, just a little exhausted. They ate and Noiz complained about work and Aoba quietly listened to him, offering comments here and there. Afterwards they watched the latest episode of a show they’d been catching up on, before they eventually retired for the night and went to bed. Everything was fine. Noiz would know if something wasn’t right.

* * *

He had no reason to think that anything was seriously wrong. Any vague suspicion that Aoba wasn’t okay had been excused from his mind, his boyfriends strange behaviour over the past few days chalked up to other convenient explanations. But it all came to a head during a meeting at work the following day. Midway through what was a dull (and in Noiz’s opinion completely unnecessary) scheduled meeting with the various company departments, Noiz received an emergency alert on his coil. He quickly excused himself and dipped into his office to see what had triggered it and was shocked to see that Ren had been attempting to call him. Noiz’s heart sank as pressed the button to call him back - if Ren was trying to contact him then something very,  _ very  _ bad must have transpired.

“What’s happened?” Noiz said the moment the call connected. 

“Aoba had a panic attack at the market. We came back to the apartment and he is now very intoxicated. His pulse is fluctuating and he cannot move from the floor. I am very worried about his well-being.” 

“I’m leaving now. Update me if he gets any worse.”

Noiz ended the call without waiting for a reply. He sent off a quick message to Theo apologising for his abrupt absence and that there was an emergency he had to take care of at home. His brother would cover for him, but Noiz didn’t really care either way; his priority was, and always would be Aoba. 

He got back to their apartment roughly twenty minutes after he’d ended the call with Ren. The Usagimadoki bounced around his feet and called his name as he came through the front door, leading him into the living room, where the sight in front of him made his heart stop. The smell of vodka was overwhelming, and when he saw the bottle in Aoba’s hands he realised it was empty. The man in question was propped up against the coffee table, his eyes completely unfocused, and sniffling quietly whilst he pet a quiet Ren, who was curled up in his lap. Despite knowing what he was coming home to, Noiz couldn’t help but panic - he had no clue what he was supposed to do here. Aoba had never been this drunk around him, this out of it, and Noiz didn’t even know what had caused him to do this. Noiz had sworn to everyone, to Aoba, to Tae and even Koujaku that he was going to take care of Aoba, that he would love and protect him, so how come he was completely frozen? Aoba hiccuped from the floor and Ren’s tailed wagged upon seeing Noiz. Poor thing was probably relieved someone with opposable thumbs was here to help. Steeling himself with a deep breath, Noiz walked over to Aoba’s side and knelt down next to him.

“Hey... Aoba, you with me?”

He gently took the empty bottle from Aoba’s hand and placed it on the coffee table where it wasn’t going to roll away or get smashed. Aoba looked up at him, a small amount of recognition in his eyes but for the most part he looked so far away, in some other world.

“His pulse is no longer erratic but it is running low,” Ren said, “and I am struggling to gage his mood.”

Noiz took Aoba’s wrist and checked for himself, disappointed to hear that the Allmate was correct. He didn’t think this would require medical attention but with that much vodka they were working on a limited time frame until Aoba’s body decided to throw it back up. Noiz cupped his boyfriends face and turned it towards his own, trying to get him to focus. 

“ _ Schatz,  _ it’s me. Are you okay? What happened?”

Aoba lip trembled and a few stray tears slipped from his eyes.  _ C’mon,  _ Noiz thought to himself,  _ think carefully…  _ What usually got Aoba upset? What was the one thing to set him off? In a flash of inspiration Noiz thought he had the answer. It would explain a lot, and it had never been this bad before but... Maybe this was it. It had been a while, he supposed, and he knew Aoba always felt guilty bringing this kind of thing up but...

“Hey... You know you can just tell me when you’re homesick. We can book a flight to Midorijima tomorrow if you want, you know you can go back anytime.”

The small flicker of satisfaction he’d found in thinking that he’d managed to work out what was the cause of Aoba’s distress vanished instantly when instead of a nod of confirmation, Aoba’s face took on a look of terror and he began to cry again, loud panicked sobs that made his whole body shake. He leaned forward and grabbed a hold of Noiz’s shirt, babbling helplessly and clutching at him like he was dying. Not knowing what else to do Noiz just held him, trying to soothe him and calm him down. What the fuck was happening?

“Don’t make me go!” Aoba cried burying his face into Noiz’s shirt. “Please don’t make me go, Noiz please-!”

“Shhhh, just- Shit, just breathe  _ liebling  _ okay?”

“Aoba,” Ren chimed in, “you’re having another panic attack. Listen to Noiz, you need to count your breaths. In and out for four second intervals.”

Good thing the dog knew what to do. Fuck. Noiz rubbed Aoba’s back and helped coach him through his breaths, saying a silent prayer to whoever was listening when Aoba finally started to calm down. Noiz hadn’t even realised that he’d began gently rocking him, but it seemed to be doing something, so he kept going.

“Noiz...” Aoba murmured, his voice calmer but still a little slurred.

“I’m here.”

“I don’t feel good...”

“I know. You’re probably going to be sick. Let’s get you to the bathroom.”

It was a struggle but they managed to get Aoba standing. Noiz instructed Ren to wait outside the door just in case as he slowly helped Aoba stumble through the flat. Once in their ensuite Aoba slumped back down on the floor tiles, head resting on the toilet seat. He was still babbling about something under his breath but regrettably Noiz couldn’t decipher anything he was saying. Before long Aoba let out a pained groan, giving Noiz just enough warning to hold his hair back before he was throwing up into the toilet. 

“That’s it,” Noiz said as soothing as possible, “get it out. You’ll feel better after.”

Aoba let out a couple of tear-choked breaths as he continued to empty his stomach, Noiz rubbing his back and keeping his hair out of the way all the while. They spent the better part of an hour on the floor, Ren coming in briefly at one point when Noiz asked him whether they were going to need paramedics; thankfully Ren said that Aoba was getting better and wouldn’t need medical attention, much to Noiz’s relief. Eventually Aoba stopped being sick, so exhausted by that point that he almost passed out right there on the tiles. Decidedly refusing to have his boyfriend sleep on the floor, Noiz helped him back to standing and helped him brush his teeth to try to make him feel better. It felt incredibly domestic, and a little cute, despite the circumstances. Afterwards he made Aoba drink a huge glass of water before leading him into their bedroom and gently putting him to bed, making sure to stay with him until he fell asleep. There were few words exchanged between them throughout this, Aoba being completely exhausted as he was and Noiz too focused on making sure he was okay. Once he was sure Aoba was resting peacefully, Noiz placed a soft kiss to his forehead and left to go tidy the living area and sort his thoughts out. What had happened? Had this been lingering under the surface for a while now? This was so out of character for Aoba - what on earth could have made him have such an adverse reaction to the going back to Midorijima? Perhaps something had happened during their last visit? Irritatingly, Noiz knew there was someone he could call to find out, but he was hesitant to start that conversation. Even if they’d stopped arguing as much in recent years, for Aoba’s sake, Noiz still hated the man’s guts. But desperate times called for desperate measures, apparently. With a sigh Noiz dialled the number on his coil and waited. 

“Exactly  _ why  _ are you calling me at this hour?”

“Go to bed early these days old man?”

“I see Aoba lied and you’re as much of a shit as you always were.”

Noiz grumbled and rolled his eyes, fighting every urge to retaliate. There were some terrible things in this world and one of those was giving Koujaku the chance to say he was right about something.

“I called you for a reason.”

“Well get to it, I have other things to attend to.”

Noiz rolled his eyes again. Dickhead.

“Did something happen to Aoba when we last visited Midorijima?” 

“What do you mean?”

Noiz knew Koujaku worried about Aoba constantly. And he was wary about giving too much away and making it look like he was a shit boyfriend who wasn’t taking care of him. But...

“Aoba was upset about the idea of going back. Panicked upset. He’s never reacted like that before.” 

“Hm. Can I talk to him?”

“No, he’s napping. Do you know why he wouldn’t want to come back?”

“No. I mean Tae is fine, still as healthy as ever, and he seemed fine when I saw him last, there was nothing odd or out of the ordinary.”

“Hm. Okay. Bye.”

“Wait-“

Noiz paused, his fingers hovering over ‘end call’. If this was going to be a lecture on why he was a piece of shit to Aoba for not knowing what was wrong then he wasn’t going to listen to it. He’d been holding his hair back whilst he vomited for an hour, he left work immediately to get home to him, fuck whatever Koujaku thought.

“Have you asked him yourself?”

“I tried. He was out of it.”

“In what way?”

“He just was.”

“Noiz-“

“Don’t. He’s fine now he’s asleep and I’m checking in on him later.”

There was a sad sigh on the other end of the line. It made Noiz’s stomach turn.

“I don’t know why he’d be upset about coming back. But if you do find out let me know. If it’s a problem here then I can take care of it. I want him to come back.”

“I’m not trying to hide him here.”

“I know, you don’t have to…” Koujaku sighed. “You’ve proven that. Just... Message me later, so I know he’s alright.”

“...Fine.”

“Thank you. If there’s anything else I can do-“

“Nope. Bye.”

He did hang up this time, before Koujaku could get weird again. Noiz did appreciate the vague gesture of approval, but he wasn’t about to get sappy with the old man. Because it was true, Noiz had been accommodating, they’d gone back to the island three times in the past year. And Noiz has always told Aoba if they needed to go more then that was fine. But if Koujaku didn’t know then who would? Maybe it was worth calling Tae too, but Noiz didn’t want to worry her if she was also out of the loop. That just left him with Ren, but he had seemed confused too. It was frustrating not knowing, especially when it had escalated to his level. With nothing else to do Noiz finished cleaning up the mess that had been left and went about answering emails. Ren had been instructed to let him know when Aoba was waking up, so for now all he could do was distract himself.

* * *

It was late evening when Ren padded into the living room.

“How is he?”

  
  
“Aoba is beginning to wake up. I think he will need you there with him when he does.”

“Mm. You definitely don’t know what caused this?”

“No. I have looked through my memory banks to see what could have caused Aoba to become so upset but I cannot find anything.”

“Nevermind then. Thanks.”

Noiz grabbed some water and painkillers before heading into their bedroom and closing the door behind him quietly, not wanting to wake Aoba up prematurely. The tablets and the water were left on the bedside table as Noiz went to change out of his work clothes into something softer and more comfortable. There was little movement from Aoba during this, and when Noiz climbed onto the bed, but when he began to gently stroke his hair Aoba let out a soft noise and leaned into the touch.  _ I’m here, I won’t let anyone hurt you _ . Noiz thought suddenly, fiercely.  _ I swear it _ . Slowly but surely Aoba began to rouse, sleepy eyes cracking open and looking up at his boyfriend.

“Hi…” Noiz whispered as Aoba blinked slowly and scrunched his nose up. Cute. The softness of the moment faded fast however when Aoba suddenly whined and buried his face in Noiz’s thigh away from the light. Ah. That would be the hangover then.

“Here.” Noiz said, reaching over to grab the water and the tablets. “This will help.”

Aoba accepted them immediately, swallowing the pills with practiced ease. After doing so he returned to his previous position, letting out a small sigh of relief as his head rested comfortably in Noiz’s lap again. The latter indulged him for a few moments, wanting to let him have a few moments of peace before he approached what he knew was going to be a difficult conversation. Maybe it was cruel to talk about it so soon, with Aoba clearly supporting a hangover, but they couldn’t avoid talking about it forever. And Noiz was determined to get to the bottom of things, desperate to try and put an end to the low thrumming panic that had settled in his veins since Ren called him earlier that day, which hadn’t quite dissipated yet.

“Hey.” Noiz said, nudging Aoba until he eventually complied, shuffling so he was leant up against the headboard instead of curled up in a ball. He still made sure to rest his head on Noiz’s shoulder, evidently still sleepy and in desire for human contact.

“Do you still feel sick?”

“Hm?” Aoba murmured under his breath.

“Sick. Do you think you’ll be sick again?”

“Ah… Uh, no? I don’t think so. My head hurts.”

“It will, you drank a lot.”

“I… I did?”

Noiz frowned at him. That wasn’t a good sign. 

“ _ Schatz…  _ What do you remember from earlier today?”

Aoba spent a few moments thinking and Noiz could tell when the memories had started to return as embarrassment shifted over his lovers features and he started to shuffle away from him. Not letting him get away, Noiz took his hand and squeezed it gently. “Just tell me. It’s important I know how much you remember.”

“Uh…” Aoba stuttered, refusing to make eye contact, but not letting go of Noiz’s hand. “I remember drinking and throwing up but not really much in between. Flashes of stuff maybe. I…” He paused, looking as though he was mulling something over, choosing his next words carefully. “I’m sorry,” he started slowly, “I’m sorry you had to deal with me, I’m sorry for being sick-”

“Aoba.”

There was a deep blush on his cheeks. He was deflecting, for reasons Noiz couldn’t decipher.

“You know that doesn’t bother me. I don’t mind looking after you. And you were fine, you barely made a mess. But…”

And there Noiz felt the shift in atmosphere, literally so - Aoba tensed ever so slightly in his arms. For a moment he wondered whether maybe he shouldn’t push it but… Well, moving back to Germany had changed him in many ways but old habits die hard, and Noiz had never been good at working out when to stop.

“Ren called me while I was at the office because he was so worried about you. And when I came home, you were just…” Noiz hadn’t ever felt scared for someone else before, not like that. It was terrifying. “And you couldn’t stop crying. I just held you, you weren’t making any sense.”

Aoba said nothing but Noiz could feel him start to tremble.

“I know something’s wrong. I’m not an idiot. And I’m not… I’m not forcing you to tell me what it is that’s bothering you. But I made a promise to take care of you. And I want to do that. Please.  _ Ich liebe dich Aoba. _ ”

The trembling had gone from being barely noticeable to borderline severe. Was he about to cry again? Noiz swallowed around the lump in his throat - he just wanted to be able to do something to help, he felt so useless and it was beginning to eat away at him. He squeezed Aoba’s hand harder, hoping to convey his feelings, that he would do anything for him to make him feel better. The message seemed to get through as Aoba squeezed back, finally turning to look at Noiz. His eyes were watery, tears on the verge of spilling over.

“I’m so scared.” He whispered and Noiz felt something deep inside him ache at the way he said it, but he couldn’t hold back the utter relief of  _ finally, finally he’s talking to me _ . Not sure whether Aoba wanted him to interject or not, Noiz decided to remain silent, and leant forward to press their foreheads together, like he saw Aoba do to Ren sometimes. He hoped that it was comforting.

  
“I’m… I’m scared of going back.”

“Why? Has something happened to Tae, is she sick?”

“No… No its-” 

Aoba cut himself off with a sob. “I-I can’t say it.”

“Aoba…”

“You’ll think differently of me. You will.”

“No. Not you  _ mein schatzilein _ . Never you.”

Aoba took a shuddering breath, tears finally spilling over his cheeks. Noiz kept trying to wipe them away but that only made more of them fall. “Noiz…” Aoba whimpered, his resolve slowly starting to crumble.

“You’re safe with me, I promise.” 

With a shaky nod Aoba took a few deep breaths. The, to Noiz’s surprise, he crawled onto his lap and hugged him, arms wrapping around Noiz’s neck.

“I… I can’t look at you when I tell you this. I just… I’m sorry but I can’t.”

That small statement filled Noiz with absolute dread but instead he just wrapped his arms around Aoba’s body and stroked his back soothingly. 

And then Aoba told him everything. 

About what had happened when Tae-san had been kidnapped. About what Mink had ordered his men to do. As Aoba recounted the events his grip on Noiz had tightened considerably, and by the time he’d finished explaining he’d just slumped against him and dissolved into a sobbing mess. Noiz just held him and whispered soft reassurances, whilst he himself felt completely and utterly shocked. His heart had sunk deep in his chest throughout Aoba’s retelling whilst something bitter and venomous had crawled up through him like bile. They’d worked with this guy, the whole time, and he’d done that to Aoba… What the fuck. The events of the past few days started to make more sense but Noiz still had so many questions. He also felt very conflicted - Koujaku would nag him for answers soon enough, but this wasn’t something he felt comfortable telling the other man. Would Aoba want his childhood friend to know? Koujaku was already very protective over him, he’d probably feel a similar guilt to what Noiz was currently feeling - the idea that they'd worked with this guy after what he’d done. Although, Noiz thought, at least they’d probably be able to agree with each other on something for once: that Mink needed to pay for what he’d done. Although even if they took Mink out, Mink hadn’t been the one to do it, Aoba’s actual… Fuck, the actual guy was still out there and Aoba had no clue which one it was. Fuck. 

Noiz gently rubbed Aoba’s back, his actions far more mellow than the rage he felt burning inside of him. But Aoba didn’t need his anger right now, he needed his support. “ _ Liebling…  _ Can you look at me for a moment?”

Aoba gripped him harder in response, overcome with fear. “I-I can’t.”

“Please Aoba-”

“I can’t….”  _ I’m afraid. I don’t want you to pity me. I don’t want to look into your eyes and see you look at me differently, like I’m pathetic, like I’m broken. _

He didn’t have to say the words for Noiz to hear them anyway.

“I told you that you’re safe here, didn’t I? That I wouldn’t think any differently of you. Look at me… Let me show you.”

Noiz gave him a moment, letting Aoba coax himself away from hiding in the crook of Noiz’s neck. He slowly pulled back, his face blotchy from crying and eyelashes still wet with tears. It took him a few more moments to pluck up the courage after that to look into Noiz’s eyes, but Noiz just let him take things at his own pace. He tried to get all his emotions across just through his expression, that no he didn’t view Aoba differently, he could never, that he loved him wholeheartedly and this wasn’t going to change that. That he supported him and would look after him no matter what.

“Do you see? _Du bist alles für mich_… I love you. This doesn’t change that.” Noiz reassured, cupping Aoba’s face, this thumb sweeping across Aoba’s cheek in a soothing gesture. “What happened doesn’t make you tainted or lesser or any other shit like that. You’re still perfect to me. And I don’t pity you. I… I just wish you hadn’t had to deal with it alone for so long.”

Aoba sniffled and leant forward to press their foreheads together. Noiz suspected that he was all out of tears, or else he’d still be crying. He looked thoroughly exhausted and Noiz really didn’t want to keep prodding the issue but there were still a few questions he needed answering, as awful as it felt.

“ _ Schatz…  _ Did Mink reach out to you the last time we were in Midorijima? Is that why you don’t want to go back?”

Aoba shook his head. “No… No he hasn’t- He hasn’t spoken to me since everything that happened back then. I’ve tried not to think about him. And I do want to go back, I just… Wasn’t thinking straight.”

“When Ren called he said you had a panic attack at the market.”

“It’s stupid…” Aoba sighed, looking away. “It was busier than usual and I was stuck in a crowd and someone moved me out of the way but they just grabbed onto my arms from behind and it was just like…I- I couldn’t breathe. And it was worse because I dreamt about it recently and haven’t been able to shake it off, which is stupid I mean I’ve had nightmares before and most of the time I can push it all to one side but the past few days it’s been so much harder to… It’s all so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.” Noiz said firmly. Aoba scoffed quietly and Noiz hooked a finger under his chin and turned his head to make Aoba look at him. “Not stupid.” he said, softer this time. A few beats passed between them, a clear conflict passing over Aoba’s face until he eventually lowered his eyes. “Okay…” he whispered, any fight seemingly leaving him all at once, as thought it was never there to begin with.

“Can I kiss you?” Noiz asked, wanting to distract him for a moment, and was relieved when he received a nod in response. It was barely a kiss at first, Noiz hesitating a moment just to make sure it was really okay, before gently pressing their lips together. It was by far the softest kiss they’d ever experienced in their relationship so far but very subtly Aoba leaned into it, as though this small moment between them were capable of fixing every wrongdoing that either of them had ever faced. It couldn’t of course, no matter how either of them wished for it to. But it was a start. Noiz felt Aoba slowly relax in his lap and sigh gently, shifting to get comfortable. He wondered if Aoba was going to fall asleep on him like this. If he did, Noiz knew he’d stay in this position no matter how uncomfortable it became: if it granted Aoba any small amount of peace then he’d do it. Maybe it would make up for him being a shit boyfriend and noticing any of the goddamn signs that  _ all this time- _

Aoba’s eyes fluttered back open as he pulled back from their kiss. “Thank you.” He whispered.  _ Thank you for listening. Thank you for not letting this change how you see me. Thank you for still loving me.  _ The unspoken words lingered in the air but Noiz seemed to understand regardless. He took one of Aoba’s hands in his own and squeezed gently, pressing another soft kiss to the tip of Aoba’s nose.  _ I will always love you,  _ he let his touches say, moving as delicately as he could. Hm. Noiz never used to think he was capable of such a thing as delicate. He used to be everything that was farthest from it. But Aoba had brought light back into his life and it turned out he could be sweet when he wanted to be; he could treasure, and caress, and be tender. He could be loving, despite growing in a world without it. And he would use this, he would show Aoba just how loved he was. But for now-

“It’s late. You should get some rest.”

“But I just slept… Will you stay with me? We can watch or film or something I just want...”  _ I just want to be with you. _

“Alright.” Noiz conceded, pressing a light kiss to Aoba’s jaw. “Just let me sort something out first? You can pick a film.” 

With a nod, Aoba scooted off his lap and climbed back under the sheets taking an idle usagimodoki from the bedside table and activating it so he could start browsing for something to watch. Noiz watched him fondly before he left the room and headed towards the kitchen so he could send a message off to Koujaku. It would be pretty early in the morning for the old man but whatever, that was his problem.

<<  _ Talked to Aoba. He's fine now. I'll get him to message you.  _

There. That seemed reasonable. Noiz didn't want to pretend it was all perfect but this wasn't his story to tell. He'd talk to Aoba about it tomorrow, see what he was comfortable with going forward. He knew if Koujaku was told the truth he'd want nothing more than to hunt Mink and his men down. Noiz wanted a similar thing too. Maybe they could team up for once, get Clear on board too. But that was… A problem for later. His coil vibrated almost immediately with a response from Koujaku, not that Noiz was that surprised.

>>  _ Thanks for letting me know. _

<< _ Isn’t it around six in the morning for you? Did you seriously stay up all night? _

>> _ I will come to Germany just to kick your ass. _

<<  _ You wish you had enough energy to do that old man. Go back to bed, he’s fine. _

>>  _ Aw Noiz, do you care about me? _

Noiz refused to dignify that with a response and shut his coil off, not before sending one last message off to Theo telling him he wouldn’t be at work tomorrow. Aoba would probably put up a fuss in the morning and tell him he was fine, but Noiz wasn’t going to hear any of it. He wasn’t going to leave Aoba alone right now. Just in case. 

Not bothering to wait for a response from his brother he headed back into the bedroom, where Aoba had settled in comfortably and pulled the sheets back, ready for Noiz to slip in beside him. As he did so Aoba immediately wrapped his arms around him and leaned into his chest, letting out a soft, contented sigh. Noiz’s heart fluttered for a moment as he returned the embrace whilst the film began in the background. He had no clue what it was, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that for a brief moment, he could let Aoba escape his trauma and find solace in his arms. Even if for a few hours. The rest could be dealt with tomorrow - talking through it properly, what they were going to do about visiting the island, whether to tell Koujaku and the others, if therapy was an option to help, but that… That was for tomorrow. Noiz leaned down to press a soft kiss to Aoba’s temple and whispered very quietly:  _ I love you. _

Aoba would heal, slowly. And Noiz would be with him every step of the way.

**Author's Note:**

> German:
> 
> _Guten morgen - Good morning_
> 
> _Schatz - Sweetheart_
> 
> _Du bist so fucking heiß - You are so fucking hot_
> 
> _Bist du bereit für mich - Are you ready for me?_
> 
> _Bitte - Please_
> 
> _Wirst du für mich kommen Aoba? - Will you come for me Aoba?_
> 
> _Liebling - Darling_
> 
> _Ich liebe dich Aoba - I love you Aoba_
> 
> _Schatzilein - Little treasure_
> 
> _Du bist alles für mich - You are everything to me_
> 
> (this fic also titled in my drafts as 'in which i project onto aoba' lmao)
> 
> Comments mean the world to me!


End file.
